Hellsing Abridged 2

[Equestria, Sugar Cube Corner, Pinkie’s room]

     Pinkie was just making cupcakes in her casual morning as she heard a teleport behind her, causing her to impossibly look behind her without moving her body. Drago was standing there with his arms crossed.

“Hi!” she greeted nicely.

“Yeah yeah, hi.” Drago said in slight annoyance. “I want you to listen closely, can you do that?” Pinkie cleaned her ears and listened closely as she blankly looked at him. She was suddenly pinned to the wall with Drago's claws inches near her heart.

“Now look, I gave the ‘OK mark’ for you and Psycho to be together. But that doesn't mean I'll spare you if you go all evil or crazy beyond return.” Drago stated as his Claws were almost digging into her skin. “I swear, I will kill you very slowly and painfully that you wish you would have never met me. Are we clear?” Drago asked darkly with a growl as his face was close to Pinkie's, his eyes glowing dark red.

“Ok.” Pinkie said blankly, not getting scared. Drago kept her pinned to the wall with a dark stare, before he backed off slowly, and gave her a small Pat on the head.

“Welcome to the group, you annoying pink pest.” Drago said before he teleported away to a random universe. She then look at the audience then shrugged.

“He will get use to me eventually.” she stated gleefully as she finished making cupcakes and took them to the castle.

[Castle of Friendship]

“Drago did WHAT?!” Twilight shouted at Pinkie in surprise and slight anger.

“Gave the OK for me to date with Psycho?” she replied meekishly.

“Yeah, before THREATENING you!?” Rainbow said with a slight glare.

“let's be fair, he never particularly “liked” me.” Pinkie said with a shrug. “Besides, it's Drago, not like we can do anything about it.”

“*sigh* well, at least he's OK with it.” Twilight said in a relaxed tone.

“At least he isn't that Alucard character *shudder*” Rarity said in disgust, remembering the way Alucard acts.

“I think he is funny!” Pinkie said somersaulting to her seat next to Rainbow.

“For the way he treats ladies, I think he is a scoundrel.” she replied crossing her hooves and huffing.

“you would be surprise there is someone worse~” she sang with a grin, also snatching the remote and pressing play right away as Twilight sat down getting some comfort.

ALEXANDER ANDERSON: The following is a fan based parody. Hellsing Ultimate is owned by Kouta Hirano and Studio Madhouse, and licensed by Geneon, Madman Entertainment, Manga Entertainment, and Funimation. Please support the official release... you protestant fuckbucket.

“Hey!” Rarity shouted offended.

[on phone]
Sir Integra: Hello, Alucard. How was your mission in Japan?
Alucard: Eh... I'd say 99... [Switches to a single zombie at a gate of a highschool from the anime, “Highschool Of The Dead”] ...point 9 percent done.

“Alucard!” Twilight said in a scolding manner.
“Yeesh, lazy much?” Applejack frowned as she was never the type of pony  to half ass things.

Alucard: 'Sup, bitch?
Sir Integra: I need to talk to you about some important guests coming today.
Alucard: Are they hookers?
Sir Integra/Twilight: No.
Alucard: And like that, you've lost me.

“Boring!” Pinkie shouted falling backwards dramatically.

Sir Integra: They're our financial suppliers.
Alucard: Oh man, they have to hate us.
Sir Integra: They do. That's why they canceled our budget.
Alucard: Oooh, that's bad. We need that, right? Walter, we need that right?
Walter: Yes, very important.
Alucard: Thank you, Walter.
Walter: Of course, sir.
Sir Integra: Over the last couple of years we've had some... expensive claims.
Alucard: Like what?

“Oh, this outta be good.” Rainbow chuckled as she crossed her hooves, ready to hear what Alucard did for these expensive claims.

Sir Integra: First off, property damage.
[cut scene of an explosion and people running away from OVA 6]
Alucard: Good times.

“Bad times!” Fluttershy whispers/yelled.

Sir Integra: A bunch of noise complaints…
[Shows Alucard and Police girl while heavy metal music is playing very loudly from a speaker]
Alucard: SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

“WHAT!?” Pinkie shouted loudly as she cleaned her ears.

Sir Integra: Killing at least a dozen innocent people...
Alucard: (a bit peeved)  Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!

“Who?” Everypony asked confused.

[Shows a Description of “Hannibal Lector” as it says he is a psychopath that killed many innocent people. It also showed the actor of said psychopath getting an Oscar for it]

“Oh.” Half of the group commented as they studied and mumbled at the pic.

Sir Integra: AND... all of the sexual harassment.
(small pause as opera music plays]
Alucard: ...I'm not apologizing.

“Of course you wouldn't.” Rarity said huffing turning away.

Sir Integra: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but...
Alucard: Buuuuut…?
Sir Integra: I want you to keep yourself locked in the basement until all of them are gone.
Alucard: ...I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me.
Sir Integra: Alucard.
Alucard: I'm gonna go with “no”...

“Just stay in the basement!” Twilight said in a demanding tone.

Sir Integra: This is important, and I don't need you causing another scene.
Alucard: I don't have to take this. I'm going for a walk.
Sir Integra: No you don't!
Alucard: Oh, what are you going to do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name...? Michael McDoesn't-exist?

“Just please stay in the basement.” Fluttershy said quietly.

Sir Integra: [Sigh] ...What do you want?
Alucard: What?
Sir Integra: What.. do I need to give you.. to keep you down here for the evening?

“She has to go as far as bribing him.” Twilight said shaking her head with a sigh.

Alucard: I'm going to need a new gun. Also, one for the police girl.
Seras Victoria: [in the Background] But I already have a gun!
Alucard: Get that bitch a cannon; Bitches love cannons!

Pinkie giggled at this. “He isn’t wrong!” she said happily as she pulled out her party cannon and instantly blasted it, causing it to hit Twilight fully. She gave a very annoyed look as she spits out some confetti in her mouth.

Sir Integra: Anything else?
Alucard: A seventy-inch... plasma widescreen tv.
Sir Integra: Really?
Alucard: With Netflix.
Sir Integra: Should it also be 3D?
Alucard: NO! That's a stupid fucking gimmick and everyone knows it!

“Depends if it works, if it doesn't work they just give you the middle finger and shove it right in your face.” Pinkie stated as she randomly had a teachers outfit on with a billboard that says “The way of 3D.”

“When did you learn to lecture?” Twilight asked slightly impressed.

“About now-ish.” Pinkie said nonchalantly as she threw her pointer behind her and her mane puffing out from the ponytail she had on.

[Introduction Plays]
[scene changes to the board meeting]
Sir Integra: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you very much for accepting my invitation.
Sir Shelby Penwood Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do.
Sir Integra: Now before we begin, I was under the impression our budget was handled directly by the queen.
Sir Hugh Irons: Oh, it is, however, we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses.
Sir Shelby Penwood: Most of them under the name... 'Alucard'?
Sir Integra: [stressed inhale as she adjusts her glasses] Continue...

“This should be funny.” Rainbow said grinning.

Sir Hugh Irons: For example, some of them were frankly labeled... "entertainment".
Sir Integra/Twilight: Entertainment?
Unknown Council Member 1: Quite. Like in my report; Twenty thousand for a... Candi?
Unknown Council Member 2: That's Candi with an 'i', by the way.
Sir Integra: I see…
Sir Hugh Irons: Not to mention the priceless antique car... I believe the note on the claim was, "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats, so I scrapped it".
Sir Integra: So that's why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen…

“The poor goats….” Fluttershy said sadly as she looked down, not wanting to hear Alucard using its blood as “paint;”

Sir Shelby Penwood: Oh, yes, and then there's also the Dairy Queen. Sitting at about ninety-five thousand in damages. [rambling as it zooms slowly on Integra’s face]
Sir Integra: [thinking] I would do fucking ANYTHING right now to get out of this.

“I would too.” Twilight admitted, relating to princess conferences she usually goes to.

[It shows two men walking towards the place Integra lives, one in all black with some piercings and dark tan skin,with a bandana with an eye symbol on the front and black hair; walking next to a quite attractive man in white who has glasses on and long blond hair]
Jan Valentine: ..And so halfway through blowin' me, the fuckin' hooker OD's on heroin!
Luke Valentine: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you...

Jan Valentine: I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that?
Luke Valentine: For God's sakes, Jan, think of mother!
Jan Valentine: ...I ain't jerkin' off right now.

“I'm getting the strangest sense of Deja Vu.” Fluttershy said a little creeped out. Rarity is giving the most disgusted look from the profanity given by this “Jan” fellow, who she was already deemed to dislike.

Guard: Oi, You two! The grounds are currently closed.
Jan Valentine: Aw man, that totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England!
Guard: Where from?
[countless machine gun barrels; MP5 Navy+Suppressor, to be exact, appear from the bus]
Jan Valentine: Texas! [Snaps fingers]
[Sub-Machine guns fire; guards killed]
Jan Valentine: Aw shit, looks like we need more prayer in schools!

“Yeesh, brutal much?!” Rainbow said as Thundercloud clapped his tiny hooves together in glee.

Luke Valentine: If you're quite finished, ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion.
Jan Valentine: Alrighty! [ghouls begin filing off the bus; raises his voice at them as he looks at them]] Attention all bitches! Off the bus and line up in order. [Readies dual custom P90s] I've got a class assignment for all of y'all!!

“...I am gonna hate this, aren’t I?” Fluttershy asked in a knowing tone.

“We all are.” Twilight replied in agreement and a fearful gulp.

[cut scene back to the board meeting]
Unknown: And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again.
[lights cut off]
Unknown 2: That's funny, we weren't cutting the power just yet.
Sir Integra: [Begins dialing phone] Oh, shit…
Sir Interga: Front desk, report. What's going on?
Front Desk: Oh um yeah, hold on, just give me a second[footsteps]  ...whoa. [footsteps again]Oh, yeah, it's ghouls. Definitely, definitely- [ghoul snarls] OH MY GOD!
[phone disconnects as Integra stands up in surprise as it shows on her face as well]

“Uh ohhhhhh.” Pinkie said ominously.

Sir Shelby Penwood: Sir Integra, do something!
Sir Integra: Calm down! We have over one hundred trained guards on the premises at all times. We have everything under control.
[explosion]
Unknown: What was that?
Sir Integra: [Looking up] That was probably the escape chopper exploding.

“This isn't looking good.” Rarity said worried.

Sir Integra: As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update.
[dials phone]
Sir Integra: Communications, come in! We need a full report.
Man On Phone/Communications: [weeping, confusing Integra]
Jan Valentine: [In the background] Read the fucking paper.

“Aw, shoot.” Applejack said, not ready for what she is about to hear.

“I think I am understanding what Pinkie Pie meant…” Rarity said cringing at the weeping the communications guy is creating.

“Told ya so.” Pinkie said, grinning like an idiot.

Man On Phone: Hey there, Integra-
Jan Valentine: Read it fucking RIGHT, cockhole!! [Clubs Communications just as he says Right!]
Man On Phone: Hey there... you... fat English whore!
Jan Valentine: That's more like it, now keep goin'!

“Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me.” Twilight growled angrily.

Man On Phone: Me.. and my big brother Luke... are killing... all of your men... and turning them into ghouls. So... I... hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cause when I find you... I'm gonna... oh god!
Jan Valentine: Keep reading, or I shoot the other testicle!!
[Jan is obviously keeping him at gunpoint.]
Man On the Phone: [Devastated and very scared] Cause when I find you, I'm gonna fuck every hole you've got! And then I'm gonna just keep making more holes to fuck, until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood... and semen! Oh god, this is horrible!
Jan Valentine: You ain't finished yet!

“Oh dear, I think I'm gonna be sick.” Rarity said with a slightly green face.

Man On the Phone: So prepare your dried-up pussy... for my huge vampire cock. Now, pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brains out -- OH GOD NO-!!!
[gunshot]
Jan Valentine: [laughing] HIS FUCKING FACE, man! Oh-ho ho ho fuck!! Oh, now that shit is priceless!
[hangs up phone, showing the face of a shocked and maybe a bit worried face as she was sweating]

“Oh my…” Fluttershy said fainting on the couch, Twilight and Rainbow were shaking in anger from this self entitled prick doing whatever he pleases.

[Sir Integra quickly pushes a button, calling Alucard]
Sir Integra: Alucard, get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and-!
Alucard: Listen, I'm going to have to stop you right there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss, who is a total bitch by the way [gives off an aroused grunt], that I am not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building. I was even bribed. Imagine that...
Sir Integra/Twilight: Alucard, you vampiric asshole, I will --!
Alucard: Sounds great, but I'm gonna have to go now, I've just queued up an episode of Adventure Time on Netflix. Bye~...
[Adventure Time sound clip, phone hanging up, Integra snaps her cigar in utter anger]

“You stupid vampire bitch!” Twilight swore loudly.

“Jerk…” Rainbow frowned at the screen.

[She presses the button again]
Sir Integra: Walter!
[cut scene to mansion; Luke slaughters four guards and picks up a phone call]
Luke Valentine: Hello, Jan.
Jan Valentine: [Sits down on a pile of corpses that look like a chair, while holding a decapitated hand] So, how's my favorite big brother doing?
Luke Valentine: Oh, you know, just killed a group of guards...
Jan Valentine: Shit, bro, you too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me. [observes countless dead guards and the ghouls feasting upon them] I'm winnin'.

“Sweet Celestia!” Rarity said, turning green from the scene.

“No sense of remorse…” Rainbow said quietly, but angrily as well.

“Vampires are vile vermin…”Applejack said with a scowl. Alucard, who is currently in his throne, sneezes as she said “vile.”

Luke Valentine: [Opens said passageway up] They were guarding a secret passageway downstairs... Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it.

“Really?” Pinkie asked tilting her head.

“I need to inform Celestia about that…” Twilight muttered as she prepared a letter.

Jan Valentine: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skull-fuck that Hellsing bitch... And the old guys... Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin' for everyone!! Come here, ghoul!!
[ghoul moaning. Luke hangs up and smiles wryly]

“I can't believe those two are brothers.” Starlight said with a look.

“they are like polar opposites!” Twilight said sighing heavily.  

“this Luke feller still evil though, which I for some reason have a hard time believing…” Applejack states in.

Luke Valentine: Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.
[Back at the meeting room]
Sir Integra: Alright, Walter and his assistant should be here any second now..
Sir Shelby Penwood: But if there's no way to get upstairs, how are they going to -- aaaghh! aaghh!
[Walter and Police Girl fall from ceiling, accidentally knocking Shelby over.]
Walter: Tally ho! [professionally lands on two feet to the side of Integra]

“I wonder if I can somehow teach spike to do this…” Twilight suggested to herself as she noted the way an old man such as Walter can jump like that, climbing through an air vent even.

[Walter, who was seen before, is an old man butler with the standard attire for a butler, he had a fuzzy ponytail and glasses.]

“Hi Alfred!” Pinkie said with a large smile.

“Who?” Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Applejack asked.

“It’s someone who looks similar.” Pinkie waved off.

Sir Integra: Good to see you, Walter
Walter: [Relighting a new Cigar in Integra’s mouth] Of course, sir.
Sir Integra: The first two floors have been entirely overrun. Communications with the outside have been cut off. We lost all of our men, and Alucard is being --
Walter: Alucard?
Sir Integra: A total ass, yes.

“A complete asshole.” Rainbow said  chuckling.

“No kiddin’” Applejack states in agreement as she lifts her hat up a bit.

Sir Integra: Now tell me, do you have any plans?
Walter: Of course, sir. I shall do exactly as the butler does, [Thin shiny wires are whirred from his finger tips, and is looking badass when doing it] and tidy up.

“Don’t mess with this butler.” Pinkie said holding a cupcake up victoriously. The rest of the ponies were intrigued by this butler that they assumed was just a background character.

[cut to mansion hall, Jan marching down it with his army of ghouls]
Jan Valentine: I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit, I don't give a fuck. Though if I give a shit, I might just give a fuck, but I don't give a shit, so I don't give a...
(Ghouls are suddenly slaughtered.)
Jan Valentine: ...fuck was that?

“A butler doing his job.” Rarity said grinning, though slightly green in the face.

[Amazingly epic intro music is playing in the background as Walter is seen walking]
Walter: Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez. Ex-Vampire hunter and butler to the Hellsing organization. [adjusting gloves on his hands] I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I take out the trash.[Whirring thin garrote wires on all 10 fingers]  And I also kill self-entitled little twats like yourself.

“...awesome.” Rainbow said after shaking her head.

Jan Valentine:' Well ain't you just the textbook fuckin' definition of classy, but guess what, Jeeves, that garotte wire won't do shit for dick against armor this thick! [Shows his ghouls getting into position with big shields] What's that, Alfred, how thick is it? Well, half as thick as my dick, so thick enough that you need a fucking anti-tank rifle to pierce it, and I don't even see a piece on your wrinkly old ass.
Walter: [smirking as it zooms in on him] Police girl, if you may.

“Police girl gonna give you hell.” Pinkie said putting on some biker sunglasses.

[It quickly zooms out to police girl laying prone across the hallway behind the door, holding said anti tank rifle, aiming down sights]
Police Girl: BITCHES LOVE CANNONS! [she fires it, killing a lineup of all of Jan's ghouls]

“You bet they do!” Pinkie shouted. Everyone had their mouths open as Twilight shook her hide to the sides quickly and coughed.

“Well that was….great.” she said, doing her best to keep her excitement in place.

“Y-you're telling me!” Applejack said startled and a lot of excitement in her voice.

Jan Valentine: Oh fuck, that's an anti-tank rifle…
[small pause, then sudden realization]
Jan Valentine: OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!!! [Police girl fires another shot of the cannon, aiming towards Jan]

“Boom bitch!” Rainbow and Pinkie shouted with excitement.

[cuts to Alucard watching Adventure Time; Luke Valentine breaks through the wall, destroying the plasma TV]
Alucard: That was a seventy-inch... plasma screen TV. [frustrated inhale, but smiles afterwards as he gets into a “boss” like position] So, how can I help you!

“Well, there goes his bribe gift…” rainbow said with a blank expression.

“oh my…” Fluttershy states with a knowing tone that Alucard is upset.

Luke: you must be the great Alucard.
Alucard: S’uuuup?
Luke: I have heard a lot about you.
Alucard: [Zooms in on his eyes as he gives a look of squinting] Oh really?

“How well do you know him?” Rainbow asked with squinted eyes.

Luke Valentine: The night walker... who glides through oceans of blood. Beyond human, a monster whose power radiates with a darkness that casts a shadow ondarkness itself --
Alucard: Oh, you dirty bitch, work the shaft!
Luke Valentine/Twilight: Ex-cuse you..?
Alucard: Oh, I'm sorry, I [chuckles] like to dirty talk when someone's SUCKING MY DICK.

“Not gonna lie, kind of brown nosing him about it.” Applejack said with a bored look.

“Ponies aren't like this to you a lot right twilight?” Rarity asked the princess.

“...More or less.” Twilight nodded, having a sense of de ja vu of how many times a pony praises her whenever she is around.

Luke Valentine: ...Perhaps I should just skip to my point. My name is Luke Valentine.
Alucard: And I'm Carmen Sandiego. Guess where I am!
Luke Valentine: I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here…

“You are really expecting ALUCARD to have “serious” conversations?” Twilight deadpanned.

Alucard: Oh, so am I, and I'm failing, and I'm sorry for that.

“At least he apologized…” Fluttershy in a nod.

“I think there is more too it though” Rainbow said knowing what is gonna happen next.

Alucard: It's just that I'm so agitated; because this blond little shit strolled into my room, destroyed my seventy-inch, plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I'm his alcoholic father.
[This must of triggered a nerve, as Luke dashed towards Alucard and pulls out his modified M1 Garand, while Alucard's Jackal pistol was pulled  out just as fast as both are pointing their guns at each others heads, ready to fire at each other.]
Alucard: Be a sport and grab daddy another beer, would you~?

“He just triggered him.” Starlight said shaking her head.

“You do not mess with a ponies plasma screen television.” Pinkie stated closing her eyes.

“Pinkie…” Rainbow said a bit annoyed. “This is the only TV in Equestria.”

“Oh….” Pinkie said with widened eyes. “Ok!” her friends REALLY question how she can be not so bright sometimes.

[Luke fires at Alucard in the head]
[cut back to Jan, Walter, Police Girl, with the ghouls all defeated. Police Girl has Jan pinned to the ground in an armbar hold.]
Seras Victoria: Arm bars everywhere!
Jan Valentine: Let me go, you stupid bitch!

“Pinned ya bitch!” Rainbow said smiling cockly.

Walter: That's quite impressive, where did you learn that hold?
Seras Victoria: [Sarcastically] Oh wow, it's almost like I'm a police girl or something!
Walter: Sarcasm is unbecoming of you.

“It really is.” Rarity said with an eyeroll.

Jan Valentine: [Sarcasm] Wow, gee willickers, mister, I sure am sorry for slaughterin' all your guards, and tearin' up your mansion. I promise I've learned my le- [Walter stomps on Jan's hand] Aw, fuck! Take a joke, asshole!
Walter: And everything you say just pisses me off!

“Us too.” Everypony but Fluttershy and Pinkie said simultaneously.

Walter: Now you're going to tell me everything I want to know.
Jan Valentine: Alright, alright... what you do, is you go down to the local pharmacy, ask for something called Viagra, and it will help you go FUCK YOURSELF!
[Walter loses his patience and prepares his wires]

“I'm this close to burning him in the sun.” Twilight said with a feral growl.

“I’d kick him to the moon if I had all the leg power in the world.” Applejack said with a glare.

[Suddenly, Walter gives a tiny surprised gasp as more ghouls appear and Jan quickly uses the opportunity to elbow Seras off and jump away]

“Celestia Damn it!” Rarity said cursing.

Jan Valentine: And now, for the upcoming company picnic! [Presents an army of former Hellsing employees now turned into ghouls, causing both Walter and Seras to gasp in shock] Unfortunately, all your douchebag co-workers are bringing is their own rotten flesh! Still better than potato salad, if you ask me.

“OK he has a point, way better than potato salad.” Pinkie said shrugging.

Jan Valentine: Now if'n you don't mind, [Jumps over the two of them] I'm-a go eat that Hellsing bitch!
Walter: [sends wires towards his arm] I've got your arm! [He continues to run as it tears off]
Jan Valentine: SO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!!
[Jan laughs maniacally as he charges towards the door]

“SWEET CELESTIA!” Almost everypony yelled. They soon prepared for the worse for the congressmen and Integra trapped in that room

[He bursts through the door with a devilish smile, moments later turning into a frown as all the congressmen pulled out their pistols]
Jan Valentine: ...Well that's not fair at all.
Sir Integra/Twilight/Rainbow/Rarity: I'm sorry, [pulls out a Sig P226 as it quips] We don't give a fuck!
[Rapid gunfire tears Jan to shreds. Jan screams (and curses) in surprise and pain]
Jan Valentine: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... AGH! FUCK! [Slumps against a wall]

“Brutal~” Pinkie sang as Thundercloud had a childish grin as he giggled.

Jan Valentine: Where the fuck did my ghouls go??
Walter: Oh, they've been dealt with.
[Seras, in a blood rage, slaughters ghouls; Dragula by Rob Zombie plays in the background]
Jan Valentine: Well, at least I'm gonna die with a raging boner...

“TMI!” Rainbow said laughing, Pinkie and Thundercloud laughing moments later. Twilight looked like she was about to have a migraine.

Sir Integra: [aiming her gun at him] All right, shit for brains, you're going to spill every single thing you know, or I'm going to have Walter here peel your dick like a banana!

“Dominatrix  much.” Pinkie said with a giggle and an eyeroll.

“...No comment.” Rarity said, defeated by the purpose of Pinkie's observation.

Jan Valentine: [Laughing as he gets up by leaning on the wall] I don't know what's fuckin' funnier; the fact that you think that your titless ass intimidates me, or that you think my boss would let me live if you did!

“Hey!” Pinkie shouted almost offendedly. “There's nothing wrong with a flat chest!”

“I cannot grasp why that would offend you…” Twilight said with a furrowed eyebrow.

“Well, duh!” Pinkie started out. “It's not like we have any showing on us right?”

“Lets...drop this conversation before things get...explicit.” Rarity said, desperately avoiding this type of communication.

Jan Valentine:  [Is suddenly enveloped in blue fire, ala a Dr. Avondale Napier; as he declares] AND NOW I'M ON FUCKING FIRE! SO NOW IT'S FREE GAME! The one who sent me... WAS... NAZIS!
[Jan burns to Ashes, leaving only his hand flipping the bird.]

“What a way to go.” Rainbow said with a small giggle.

“Good riddance is all I am gonna say.” Rarity said with a huff.

“Dang right.” Applejack agreed fully.

Sir Integra: ...I heard George Lucas. Who else heard George Lucas?
Walter: I heard Miami Heat.
Seras Victoria: I heard the Motley Crue with my vampire hearing.

“I heard the sound of dying foals as they were slowly being crushed alive.” Pinkie said blankly.

“...What?” Twilight said looking at Pinkie.

“Huh?” Pinkie said looking at her. Twilight then just looked back at the screen and shook her head from what she just stated.

Sir Integra: Wait a second... where's the BIG brother?
[Back at Alucard's room, Alucard is clearly outmatched by Luke.]

“Oh crapbaskets.” Applejack said wincing.

[Luke is currently teleporting around as both exchange bullets towards one another, Alucard slumping while standing as he has a lot of bullets that has attacked him]
Luke Valentine: You can't touch me, I was hand-crafted to kill you. My speed, my stamina, my power all rival, nay, dwarf yours! In comparison to you,[Stops teleporting as he has a pistol aimed at Alucard, who is limp while standing up] I am a demigod!!
(A Brief silence, as our "hero" registers what was just said.)
Alucard: ...Really? Really.

“Really?” Pinkie said leaning in.

Luke Valentine: Really.
Alucard: Really?
Luke Valentine: Really!
Alucard: [Excitedly looking up with a devilish face] REALLY?!

“Really!?” Pinkie said stretching her neck out to the screen.

Luke Valentine: Really!!
Alucard: [Puts his fingers in a camera like position] Release Restraint, level one.
Luke Valentine: Level what? [As in the Cromwell seal restriction has been lifted to level one; Totally not Kaio-Ken, for obvious reasons.]

“Level what?” Everypony said with raised eyebrows.

[Luke loses a leg, thanks to the "dwarfed" Alucard's Jackal, fired ala Baskerville the Big Black Dog. God of War theme plays.]
Luke Valentine: [Leaping away on one foot] AAAGH AGH, FUCK!

“Welp, he's fucked.” Pinkie said shrugging.

Alucard: [Demonic voice] You know, they say that TV makes you violent, but I say that not having my TV is making me PRETTY FUCKING VIOLENT!!

“We can see that.” Fluttershy said shaking as she hides behind Rainbow.

[Alucard's shoots his Jackal Pistol at Luke's OTHER leg, blowing the said, right leg clean off.]
Luke Valentine: AAAAAOOOOUGH-!!! [thinking] I'm near the stairs! Gotta get to the stairs! If I could just get up the stairs, I... [Suddenly sees just how long said stairs really are, much to his dismay.] Aaaaaw, fuuuuck...!

“It’s always the stairs.” Rainbow said facehoofing.

“Oh yea, he isn’t making out of this one.” Twilight said with wide-eyes.

Alucard: Come on! You were talking all of that good shit a second ago, then I blew your FUCKING legs off!!
Luke Valentine: [Absolutely terrified] But, I... you... what the fuck?!

“It’s about to get very bloody.” Applejack said grabbing the faint couch just in case for Fluttershy.

Alucard: What's wrong "demi-god"? Just grow back your legs! [As he SMASHES the leg in his hand] Summon up your demons! Hit me! FIGHT ME!!! ...Give me a hug~!
Luke Valentine: Really...? [Baskerville the AFOREMENTIONED Big Black Dog descends upon him as a certain soon-to-be bloody Valentine cries: ] OH GOD NO-!!!
[Cut to conference room phone, as the committee members and Integra listen to Luke being violently eaten alive. By the Big Black Dog. Integra smiles wryly.]

“Ohohoho, this must be funny for them.” Rainbow said almost laughing nervously.

Alucard (on speakerphone): We're here on Epic Meal Time!! I'm the sauce boss, and tonight, we're eating this blond little wannabe demi-god bitch!
Sir Shelby Penwood: [Concerned and a little frightened] Who... is that, exactly?
Sir Integra: Oh, that's Alucard, the one we talked about earlier. This is what happens when he has to entertain himself. Oh, so what was that issue with our funding?
Sir Shelby Penwood: Issue?
Sir Hugh Irons: What issue?
Sir Shelby Penwood: I don't see an issue!
Unknown: Shut up and take our money!!!

“I don't see a problem.” Twilight said quickly.

“Eenope.” Applejack states looking away.

“What problem?” Rainbow said looking away as well.

(Back at Integra's room; good ol’ opera in the background onced again)
Alucard: Ah, and just like that, everything turned out alright in the end.
Sir Integra: Yes, everything turned out just fine, except that ninety percent of our staff were killed, turned into ghouls, then killed again by the police girl in a blood rage.
Seras Victoria: What's a blood rage, and why don't I remember anything?

“Ummm, maybe Alucard will tell you.” Starlight said coughing nervously.

Alucard: Oh, that reminds me, for whatever reason, did we ever find out who sent them?
[Brief Pause once again.]
Alucard: ...It was the Nazis, wasn't it?
Sir Integra: No!
Alucard: Bet you I'm right!
Sir Integra: Bet you you're wrong!
Alucard: Bet you you're a skank~!
Sir Integra/Twilight: Bet you you're an asshole!
Alucard: BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!

“We heard that.” Starlight said shivering.

[Show ends; Cue "HELLSING ULTIMATE ABRIDGED" Title Card.]

“Well, that was bloody as always.” Pinkie said standing up and stretching.

“To think Nazi’s are still around in that world….ugh.” Twilight said with a groan.

“They could probably be turned vampires and lived for a long time, waiting, right?” Rainbow asked, thinking that is the only explanation.

“Could be…” Twilight said in a thinking tone.

“I bet it's worse if Drago was the one to slaughter them.” Starlight said with a slight shiver.

“How ARE they doing by the way? Haven’t seen the personalities in a bit.” Rarity asked quizzically.
[Anthony's place]
    “I win.” Drago said as he laid his cards down on the table, as the three personalities, and a wind spirit all groaned in frustration. Anthony chuckled at the scene

“That's your tenth win!” Psycho shouted as he laid his cards down.

“Surprisingly not cheating either.” Anthony chimed in as he watched them play poker.

“I've had years of experience with ridiculous cards games like this, so it's an easy win for me.” Drago said claiming his wins. “Unless you’re Anthony, there would’ve been a LOT of ties.”

“I've yet to see you two ever break that tie.” Halo said standing away as he helped Rodriguez around the kitchen.

“No kidding, that crap has been going on for over 600 years.” Darkness said as he placed his cards down.

“Well it’s a good thing I don’t have real money, this would be devastating if I actually needed it.” Windy said placing his own cards down.

“Still kinda mad you did that with the chaos god…” Anthony mumbled annoyed by that statement.

“Oh come on man.” Windy said in a pleading tone. “You know it’s worthless to me.”

“To you maybe, but I've put good use to it.” Drago said as he collected the ‘wind’ money. “Its great for making smoke bombs and for spreading dangerous poison gasses I make.”

“See, so it’s fine!” Windy said waving his hands.

“Eh, I guess..” Anthony said a little disappointed.

“...Tell ya what.” Windy said as he stretched his neck to be face to face with Anthony. “There is a place that can bring more strength into your bones a whole lot more.”

“...There is such a place like this?” Anthony said intrigued.

“Yea, not lying either.” Windy said with a shrug.

“I think I have heard of it…” Drago said as he started to think about it. “Isn’t that where the old Liche King’s castle was? The one place your new teleportation ability won't work.”
“Yea, it fucking SUCKS.” Windy said annoyed. “And I just got it too, dang encrypted skeleton fortresses…”

“Well then, I'll take Anthony there myself.” Drago said standing up. “You just head back to your planet.”

“Sure, whatever.” Windy said as he opened a portal to his planet and left. Drago then opened his own portal that led to the old Liche King’s castle.

“Anthony, Rodriguez, let's move.” Drago said as he entered. Rodriguez took of his cooking apron as he tossed it to Halo, who grabbed it without even looking, and walked next to his brother as they entered the portal.